I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
