Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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