I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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