Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
