Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
