hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
