Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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