I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
