I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
