The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
