some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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