I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
