The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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