go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
