oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
