Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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