his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
