I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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