enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize