I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
