She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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