I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
