I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
