If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
where does the pee come out of this thing
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
