so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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