I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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