Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
