I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
