I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
