I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
