i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
