Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize