I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
