I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
that may or may not have been my penis.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
