she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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