Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
