Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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