You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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