good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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