you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
