The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
