Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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