Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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