I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
