I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
