Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
