Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
