Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
