Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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