You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
