I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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