My sheets look like a crime scene.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize