Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
