Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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