Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
