If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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