perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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