So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
