just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
