Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
