I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
