i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
whose parrot is this?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
