had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
