I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize