I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
